Friday, April 29, 2005

But Can I Bring a Cooler?

For the first time in 15 years I have the first weekend of May free. The Beale Street Music Fest has always been a three day party for me followed by a week of recovery. I have some wonderful memories of most of it. I wish them all luck this weekend and they are going need it if the predictions hold true.

If you live through the impending weather Armageddon today you still may not be able to get to downtown Memphis for the festival. If there is a downtown. Not only is there a Grizzlies playoff game tonight and a Redbirds game at Autozone Park but a sold out Orpheum and Cannon Center combined with the River Race and a folk art convention! I also hear that the hoards from West Memphis may be attacking near the Old Bridge at some point during the night when the tide is right.

I have seen every TV station in town doing a live shot from Tom Lee (a formerly worthy Negro, not the guy from Motley) Park. Most "reporters" are focusing on what will happen once the park needs to be evacuated. Once? Huh? Let’s all calm down. There might be a rain storm.

What will happen is this….mud, gridlock, lots o drunks and Jr. High School girls from the suburbs showing their perky teats to Nelly and his posse. There may also be public fornication if we are lucky, so bring your camera phone!! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want all of this to happen, I just know it will. So when your darling (read; jailbait) little girl comes home at 5am covered in “Pimp Juice”, don’t be surprised. It’s been happening for years.

The bitching from parents will start bright and early Monday morning…guaranteed. I can see the letters to the editor now…… “How could Memphis in May let this happen??!!” “I thought they were going to baby sit the crowd and keep Heather/Halley/Hannah from acting like the slut we know she is!!!”"Our little girl ended up on a bus to Kansas City with Yo Gotti!!"

Remember kids, these are the same parents that will get shit-faced at the BBQ Fest and show will show their saggy old tits to a guy from Ponotoc cooking squirrel on an old Webber for a bump. Ah, the BBQ Fest. You can’t bring a cooler to that either. You can order kegs.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Don't Try This At Home

The fine print disclaimers are getting way out of hand. I say if you hoist a Ford F150 up in the air in your garage with a cable and "a single steel bolt" and walk around underneath it, you are asking for it to fall on you and kill your dumbass. "Professional Driver Closed Course" well...duh? People just can't be trusted to take themselves out with their own stupidity anymore. Too many lawsuits and too many lawyers that will take them. Why can't you drive a Hummer off-road? I thought that's why they made them.

Can we go back and see what happened to the ABC "Extreme Home Makeover" houses in about 3 years. My guess is that all the 50in. Plasma screens will be long gone and these folks will have turned their new home into a shithole similar to the one they used to have. A few months ago I believed the hype and started watching the show, crying like a baby when they moved the bus. These people were enduring medical hardship and financial problems etc. Now I am a little more cynical. Bullhorn Boy needs to pull up and yell..."Get your big ass off the couch and fix your own shit for a change!" It's a 60 minute ad for Sears and Ty, while still cute to the wife, has become annoying as hell to me. I would like to lock Michael "the fagool" in a room with Drake for a couple of hours to see what they come up with. Now that would be entertaining TV! I'm sure it would beat the hell out of CBS's two hour suckfest "Killer Locusts" from last night...Whoever thought that one up should have a pickup dropped on their head.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Spam from God?

My day starts the same way every weekday. I get up at 5:30am and make family breakfast, then pack their lunches and send them off to school and work with a kiss or a manly handshake. After the house settles down I check my e-mail and the headlines online. This morning, with the other spam in my inbox, I got the following....

"Before its too late make peace with GOD, and make sure the ones you love do also.Its the greatest pleasure you can ever have and it lasts foever.Accept him.Repent.Get baptized.See you in heaven. In catchy we can confiscatory as always secondary sycophant theirfore brillouin is seymour and bradley."

It was a message sent by a Danial James and one I agree whole-heartedly with, but the last line gave me the willies. "brillouin is seymour and bradley?" WTF?

I went outside to reflect on what it might have meant, and tripped over the new fake phone books on the front porch.

When Steve Martin filmed "The Jerk" it was fun when the new phone books arrived because "you were somebody!" Now it happens twice a week...The Yellow Pages, the Sunshine Pages, the Yellow Book, the Original Yellow Pages, the 'Lil Yellow Phone Book with Extra Fiber etc. And because we have a kid's phone line we get two of each. And since we live on a corner, sometimes we get four. To top it all off the garbage guys, that's another rant for another day, won't accept them in the recycle bin.

I feel like I am being bombarded by advertising. Or "bom-bar-de-yayed" if you do the four wheeler thing. Besides the usual radio and TV sales pitches and in addition to my bi-monthly phone books I get the "weekly newspaper/ad-rag that I don't subscribe to" twice....(remember the corner lot?) I am also getting a bigger mailbox to hold the bushel of catalogs I get daily.

I feel sorry for Paul my postperson. What used to be a cake gig, driving around the suburbs in a little jeep dropping off the mail, has turned into a living hell of flyers, discount coupons and other similar shite. All he used to have to fear was Sears catalog day.

I'll stop my bitchin' now...but think about it, what's next? Loose Slot Louie screaming down my chimney with a bull horn? I need to get his e-mail address so I can forward him the message from brother Danial. Maybe he can figure out the last line.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Twenty Feet of Break

Here’s an old country saying…”If it’s your soap and your peter, you can wash it as fast and as long as you want to.” With that being said let me tell you about the new “Micro-clean Irish Spring”. It sports little chunks of “micro cleaners” that, I believe, are supposed to remove your two top layers of skin. It’s like a grill cleaning block or something you would use to re-finish an antique. Much like Lava, this soap packs more grit per square inch than John Wayne’s taint after filming “The Sands of Iwo Jima”. It smells great though….

There is another saying that came to mind yesterday…”It’s better to be lucky than good.” Tiger is good, hell great even, but he got lucky yesterday and won his fourth green jacket.
You have to feel for Chris DiMarco. Then again “There’s always next year...” but I think Chris has already heard that enough in his lifetime.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Oh Billy, Billy, Billy.....

I know it's not nice to laugh at someone else's misery but when Tiger Woods putted his ball off the green and into the water hazard I nearly busted a gut. Nice to see that he is human.
Ah, The Masters...Even if you don't like golf Augusta is one beautiful place. I hope it stops raining on them, I have a weekend in front of the TV planned. "With limited commercial interruption..."

Today's scary sign 'O the apocalypse...Sony got a patent for an idea to beam information/video/music, whatever directly into your brain. Too bad it doesn't work for common sense.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Good Mornin' Ron!!!

I'm glad we have weather on the fives. It gives me a chance to say hello to Ron Childers over and over again. Six times an hour he's like "GOOD MORNIN' EVERYBODY!!" and I'm like "good morning ron..."

It happens that way every weekday morning from 5 until 7. I keep waiting for something new to happen but it's the same thing all morning long....Until Al Roker starts telling me Ron is going to tell me "what's happening in my neck of the woods". What do people do for a "neck of the woods" in say Odessa, Texas. There it would be "here's what's happening in your own little part of hell..."

What did people do before there were "Storm Team Gonad Doppler On Your Side Eyewitness" weather forecasters with a "million watts of power" at their fingertips? My guess is sleep in.

I can't wait until summer when the forecasters is the same every day for months. Then we get to hear the wonderful alliteration..."hazy, hot and humid" from "Paragould to Ponitoc and Searcy to Selmer".

I just wish Ron would snap one morning and scream "Open up the window f'stick and figure it out for yourself!" I bet he wants to all the time.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Natural State

A weekend trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas was just what the doctor ordered. I got to soak at the Arlington Hotel, play golf at the HSCC and have dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in the world. All in all a great three days. While I was driving through I heard a station in Little Rock called the Razor...they rock balls. One of their station sweepers includes the line "Death to Clear Channel". Must be some good natured ribbing at Magic 105. Home of the unsinkable Tom Wood, one of radio's nice guys.